woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
