Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
3 2 1 whiskey
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
