can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
