im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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