Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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