I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
