I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
