I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
