I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The Olympian is in my bed
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
