I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
