Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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