Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
