based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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