I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
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alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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