I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
