Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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