if i can run in heels then i can drive
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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