if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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