I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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