just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
