ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
