I can tuck mytits in my pants
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
