A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
