i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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