So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
