Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
