Me. At least after what I've been through.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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