I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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