On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
this hospital has no fireball
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
