Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
