I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
