i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore