"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.