i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is