I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.