I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
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Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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