Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
im on a boat
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