R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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