Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
