you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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