sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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