I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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