i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
