I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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