i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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