I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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