Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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the liver wants what the liver wants
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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