I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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