She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
