I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
