she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
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if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"