I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob