My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
