Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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