i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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