??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
