she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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