we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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