She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
