a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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