im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?